The Curse and Privilege of Having A Daughter

This post is inspired by this month's From Left to Write book club choice, If You Knew Suzy by Katherine Rosman. I received a copy of this book as a participant in the From Left to Write virtual club.

As with the majority of the books I purchase (or read for this book club), I pass them along to my mom, a sister, or friend - whomever I think would like it most. I have so many people whom I think would LOVE this book that I'm considering ordering a case.

Having JUST returned from the Metro Detroit area to visit my in-laws this weekend, I'm familiar with the locations and social norms that Rosman includes in the book. At least to this WASP-y outsider, the descriptions seemed spot-on and I giggled as I re-read some passages aloud to my husband to jog his memory, strictly from the novelty of having this geographic connection to the book. (I asked after reading about Franklin Village, "Hey - isn't that where we took Li'l Boo for doughnuts and apple cider at the Franklin Cider Mill?") Funny enough, my husband would have been bar mitzvahed the same year as the author and I'm sure that even if my in-laws don't know all of the people mentioned, that they have a friend who does. (I shouldn't be surprised each time I'm reminded how small of a world this is after all of our travels, yet I am.)

Early on in my pregnancy with my son, we were informed by a sonographer that we were having a girl. While going into the appointment I didn't much care whether we had a boy or girl, from the second I heard "It's a girl!" my heart silently sank. The oldest of three girls, and coming from a generation of girls across my extended family, I knew the emotional stress that would have awaited me. I excitedly relayed the news to people, but my closest family and friends had to convince me that it was a good thing.(In retrospect, I think my body knew differently and so the prediction wasn't sitting well with me.) I distinctly remember one of my confidantes assuring me that in having a girl, she'd stay close to me for her entire life. That girls take their husband's names, but lead the houshold and kids by following their own family's traditions that they learned growing up, and that daughters keep communicating with their mothers...that having a boy means letting go when they marry and losing your son to his wife and her family's traditions. I don't know why this point - above all others people used to cheer me up about having a daughter - has stuck with me in the years since, but it's something I think about every so often.

We found out later in the third trimester that we were having a boy, and I was elated. It was then that my dad half-jokingly told me that he was afraid for me to have a girl, that he's not sure that we'd both survive it. I'm sure there are days that he's shocked that my sisters, mom and I are all intact. I now dread the day that I'll have to let my son go when he marries, but I'm hopeful that by being cognizant of the fact that it's going to happen eventually, that I can strive to use my old friend's point to become a better mother-in-law.

Now that my sisters and I are out of college and for all intents and purposes "grown adults," my mom is more of an esteemed equal than a "mom" in the sense that there's a free flow of advice, tips, ideas and suggestions. My sisters and I are much more aware of her need for support and involvement now that we've had more exposure to some of her life experiences as a working adult, wife and mother. Especially as a mother. I can look back at times I thought my mom to be too impatient or angry or unhappy, through the eyes of recognizing the sacrifices she made, the uncertainty she faced and the acceptance she had to find within herself at things she could not control. I'm fortunate that I can appreciate some of this now while she's alive, though I have to say that when you get four female relatives together for too long in one house, shallow emotions can easily override the logical perspective one's gained.

My mom, sisters and I email, text or Skype on a daily basis. We've always been close, though at times the dynamics change so that two or three of us are closer at times than others. (Even despite me living cross-country from them for over a decade.) We disagree on many things, but all agree that we're family and would support each other unquestionably when called upon. I'm going to miss the privilege of having such a relationship with my son as he grows into an adult.

We hope to have another child one day, and I'd be happy to raise a girl or another boy, but when I read the curse that the author's mother spat at her oldest daughter in the heat of an argument that she hoped she'd have a daughter one day, I instantly knew of which she spoke.

Comments

[Linsey Krolik]

I was afraid to have a boy! But I have one...and two girls. The two relationships are different, that's for sure. Having just spent time with my mother-in-law this past holiday weekend, I know what you mean about letting your son go when he marries. I see his mom struggle with that a bit, although I am relatively close with her, admire her, like her. I know my relationships with my girls will be fraught with emotion, but also shopping, pedicures, spooning in bed with ice cream....its all good!

[Melissa]

My mom used to make a similiar threat aimed at my sister...but took it one step further, "I hope one day you have a kid JUST LIKE YOU." Turns out she has a lovely boy...I'm the one who got the spirited girl! As Lindsay says, it is all good!

[Katie Rosman]

I do love, in a sadomasocistic way, the justice I will be served at the hands of my daughter (who at 20 months is already SO WILLFUL and bossy).

PS: I am sure your husband and I know people in common! Throw some names out there.
PPS: I get the sense that your relationship with your mom and sisters is similar to mine.

[dusty earth mother]

Wow! That was incredible. I so wanted a girl and got one (and am amazed every day at HOW HARD girls are to raise) and I wanted a boy and got one (and am amazed every day at HOW EASY boys are to raise). So I am blessed in many ways--hard as it is!

[Sharon]

As a nurse to newborn babies I think the curse of a mother wanting her daughter to have a daughter is laughable. We should all be so blesses as to have a daughter... or a son.

[Kim Lam]

I never really thought about the things you did when I found out I was having a girl. All I could think of was, "I'm going to raise a feminist" She's 4 now, and is outspoken, confident, and independent. Oh and dramatic (blame that on hubby). She drives me crazy sometimes but I know those traits will make her a strong woman.